At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the
computer industry with the auto industry and stated, “If G.M. had
kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all
be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got one-thousand miles to the
gallon.”

In response to Bill’s comments, General Motors issued a press
release stating, “If G.M. had developed technology like Microsoft, we
would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

• For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a
  day.
• Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have
  to buy a new car.
• Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason,
  and you would just accept this, restart, and drive on.
• Occasionally, executing a manner such as a left turn, would
  cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case
  you would have to reinstall the engine.
• Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought
  “CarNT,” but then you would have to buy more seats.
• Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun,
  reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but
  would only run on five per cent of the roads.
• The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights
  would be replaced by a single “general car default” warning
  light.
• New seats would force everyone to have the same size
  butt.
• The airbag system would say “Are you sure?” before going
  off.
• Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you
  out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the
  door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio
  antenna.
• G.M. would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe
  set of Rand McNally road maps (now a G.M. subsidiary), even though
  they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this
  option would immediately cause the car’s performance to diminish
  by fifty percent or more. Moreover, every time G.M. introduced a
  new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over
  again because none of the controls would operate in the same
  manner as the old car.
• You’d press the “start” button to shut off the engine.

To whom it may concern,

Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Pokernight 10.3 and Beerbash 2.5 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I can not seem to purge Wife 1.0 from my system. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1.0 but un-install does not work on this program. Can you help me?

Regards,
Joe

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Dear Joe,

This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a “UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT” program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is impossible to un-install, delete, or purge the program from the system once installed. You can not go back to Girlfriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under Warnings -Alimony / Child Support. I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur. The best course of action will be to push the apologize button and then the reset button as soon as lock-up occurs. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program but is very high maintenance.